


Well Respected Man

by agent_orange



Category: Generation Kill
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Cynicism, Gen, Idealism, Missing Scene, Mixtape, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 14:31:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2028588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent_orange/pseuds/agent_orange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's their leader, and he's supposed to protect them, but he worries he can't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Well Respected Man

[ **01 THE KINKS | a well respected man** ](http://www.sendspace.com/file/9zr3jl)  
_and he likes his own backyard_  
and he likes his fags the best  
'cause he's better than the rest  
and his own sweat smells the best

Sometimes, Nate gets tired of being the perfect student, the great student, but he does it anyway because he doesn't want to make trouble. His "rebellious phase" is cutting school a few times senior year and going to parties about as often. Dartmouth will be good for him—a place to reinvent himself, to be whoever he wants. In college, there are no parents or teachers to expect things from him, no need to set an example for other students. If he wanted to, he could party four nights a week, and though he wouldn't, the idea of doing that is freeing.

[ **02 GAVIN CREEL & THE COMPANY | where do i go?** ](http://www.sendspace.com/file/sco0af)  
_is there an answer in their sweet faces_  
that tells me why i live and die  
follow the wind song, follow the thunder  
follow the neon in young lovers' eyes 

After he fails his Inorganic Chem final, Nate feels directionless. He was so sure he was going to major in biophysical chem or neuroscience, go to med school, and become a doctor. Now he's got no idea what he wants to do and only one more semester to declare a major. His advisor's entirely unhelpful; since he's got most of his gen ed requirements done, he picks classes that run the gamut of subjects, hoping he'll find something. He takes a lecture on ancient Greece and falls in love; he picks Classics, even though he's not sure what he can do with a degree in it after he graduates.

[ **03 JACK'S MANNEQUIN | swim** ](http://www.mediafire.com/?hnznj2tkt1m)  
_i found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn_  
memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun  
crack in the armor, yeah  
i swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun 

Officer Candidate School is the hardest thing he's ever done. The real challenge isn't the physical, but the mental. It's the first time he doesn't know if he'll finish what he started; every day there could be his last. That's what he loves about it, though. Even Dartmouth didn't push him as far as he wanted. He knew the day he enrolled that he'd graduate, and he had difficult classes, but it's nothing compared to OCS. The Marine Corps does. There, Nate pushes himself farther than he ever thought he could, and when he feels like he can't do one more log run, his drill instructors make him.

[ **04 THE NATIONAL | start a war** ](http://www.sendspace.com/file/xosn57)  
_do you really think you can just put it in a safe behind a painting, lock it up and leave_  
walk away now and you’re gonna start a war [...]  
we expected something, something better than before; we expected something more  
we were always weird but i never had to hold you by the edges like i do now 

Of course 9/11 is a shock. Nate joined a peacetime military expecting to train and be ready to respond just in case, but it hits him hard. He's trained to lead his men into battle, and perfectly prepared, but he wonders if he's _ready_. In theatre, he'll be calling in air strikes for real, not just in drills, and there won't be anyone there to help him out if he freezes.

[ **05 NEKO CASE | things that scare me** ](http://www.sendspace.com/file/rzhqan)  
_the hammer clicks in place, the world's gonna pay_  
right down in the face of god and his saints  
claim your soul's not for sale  
i'm a dying breed who still believes 

The Corps trained him to ignore his instincts and act by rote, so when there are bullets whizzing past his skull and men yelling all around him, Nate doesn't panic. It's his first firefight, and it's not until he's drifting off to sleep that he realizes he could've died.

[ **06 AUDREY ASSAD | the house you're building** ](http://www.sendspace.com/file/6vcr49)  
_a homeless stranger, i've been wandering_  
all my life you've been calling me to a home  
you know that i've been needing, i'm a broken stone  
so lay me in the house you're building 

There's this incredible sense of brotherhood Nate feels with his platoon. He's heard about it, obviously, but didn't quite believe it before now. When you're a Marine, you're fighting for the guy next to as much as, if not more than, for yourself. If Nate dies in combat, he'll do it surrounded by some of the best guys in the world.

[ **07 JACK JOHNSON | red wine, mistakes, mythology** ](http://www.sendspace.com/file/ldht9p)  
_up the ladder with your feet_  
reaching with your hands  
you can feel it and dream it  
i know you want to believe it 

Fuck OCS. Nate's Combat Water Safety Swimmer Course is harder. He doesn't want to be drownproofed. He's a good swimmer—better than just good, if he's being honest with himself—but drowning scares the shit out of him. When he's trapped underwater, it takes everything he has not to panic, and he only manages that by knowing he'll be dropped from the course if he can't hack it.

[ **08 YEAH YEAH YEAHS | warrior** ](http://www.sendspace.com/file/r6ctmd)  
_men, they like me ‘cause i’m a warrior, a warrior_  
stand on my feet  
dance the warrior, the warrior  
where would i be? 

In Iraq, Nate's all alone; there are no other LTs to commiserate with him. He's responsible for the lives of twenty- men, and it'll be on his conscience if any of them die. He'll be the one to tell their mothers they died under his command. He's their leader, and he's supposed to protect them, but he worries he can't.

[ **09 EDITORS | the weight of the world** ](http://www.sendspace.com/file/4ncfhb)  
_you've fused my broken bones_  
back together and then  
lift the weight of the world  
from my shoulders again 

There's so much pressure. Nate's job to keep his men healthy and alive and combat-effective while still completing orders to the battalion's satisfaction. He's supposed to deal with the absolute idiocy of command and just smile like there's no problem at all. He's expected to be a good lieutenant and a good Marine and a good American when Iraqi civilians are dying around him.

And make sure that no matter what, no one finds out that Nate's been having these lingering feelings about his TL. God forbid someone find out and his platoon's left with only Captain Schwetje to lead them.

[ **10 BRIGHT EYES | no one would riot for less** ](http://www.sendspace.com/file/mxaj4h)  
_little soldier, little insect_  
you know war it has no heart  
it will kill you in the sunshine  
or happily in the dark 

The war kills Nate's idealism, and it kills his hopes that they're there to liberate the Iraqis and improve their quality of life. This is a war for oil, for power, and the United States government is paying for it in the blood of corporals and sergeants, in lives.

[ **11 AMY MILLAN | finish line** ](http://www.sendspace.com/file/4ey2o6)  
_the finish line wants another try_  
hold the lead  
the kill and the light look alike  
beware of what you feel 

Going home feels almost surreal. Nobody's shooting at him. Food comes on plates instead of squeezed out of foil bags. He sleeps in a bed. They weren't even there for that long, but civilian life feels light years away.

[ **12 THE WEEPIES | love doesn't last too long** ](http://www.sendspace.com/file/uudhqb)  
_i didn't even have time to get it straight in my mind_  
to catch up from behind, to see that i was blind  
and i wish i was wrong  
but love doesn't last too long 

After OIF, Nate knows he needs to leave. He knew earlier, probably, but didn't want to admit it to himself, thought things would be better as he moved up the ranks. He gets promoted to captain, though, and still doesn't want to stay. It's the bureaucracy, the insanity of it all—good men and great Marines like Eric Kocher and Mike Wynn being disciplined for doing their jobs and trying to protect their men while Dave _fucking_ McGraw bayoneted a prisoner and sent his men into a minefield. It almost makes Nate sick.

\-- [.zip at sendspace](http://www.sendspace.com/file/k9djty) \-- 


End file.
